Why Influence is Different than Control
“You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. ”
David A. Bednar
I moved my senior year of high school from Bountiful High to Renton High School in Renton, Washington, a suburb of Seattle. Leaving my dear friends and a clear life direction, I moved to a cold, gray, cement high school with no friends and there I had my first acquaintance with depression. It was one of the hardest seasons of my life. But I met a significant person in the role of a school counselor. The details are fuzzy, but I remember him being present with me, listening carefully, offering encouragement and comfort, and recommending books on hope. In the short term, he was the light in a time of great darkness. In the long-term, his influencing behaviors led me to choose a counseling career. He was one of my Life Influencers.
Six Truths About Influence
Consider these truths I’ve learned from my life and my clients about influence:
Influence as a verb means “to affect or change someone or something in an indirect but usually important way.” As a noun, we can be an influencer, a person who affects or changes someone in an indirect but important way.
Influence can be positive or negative. My school counselor was a positive influence on me as he helped me be my best self. Others have done the opposite by their example and shaming communication.
Influence differs from control because the final choice always rests with the person and can’t be taken from them. As a young parent, you comforted a crying baby, but the baby chose when they would finally go to sleep. You probably remember the day your teen-ager figured out you really couldn’t make them study algebra. And assertions such as, “you made me do it” or “you make me feel” just aren’t possible.
We influence others in a variety of ways. These include:
being an example
communicating by the words we speak or when we don’t speak and just listen
teaching
giving punishments or rewards
providing opportunities
being present
loving with or without conditions.
Here are reasons why a reasonable, rational person would try to control others: 1) We love them and think we know what is best for them, 2) We have an expectation of how they should be, 3) We get tricked into believing we control others when they, on occasion, do what we want them to do, 4) What they do influences us so we have an investment into trying to avoid pain, 5) It is a socially acceptable excuse for not focusing on improving our own behaviors.
When we recognize the difference between influence and control, we shift our efforts into being a good influence, while stepping back to observe what the person ultimately chooses. We take responsibility for our words and actions and let go of taking responsibility for others’ choices. We feel sad when their choices result in negative consequences, but we realize this is how we all learn to make different choices. We recognize when a person is trying to control us with threats, abuse, shame, or blame and this helps us either confront the behavior or walk away.
Do an Influencer Inventory
To help you understand the difference between influence and control, take a few minutes and do an inventory of who or what is influencing you today.
Who are my current life influencers? (Include your social media influencers.)
What are their influencing behaviors? How do I let these behaviors control me?
Are they influencing me for good or not so good? Who helps me feel inspired, hopeful, and energized? Do I feel angry, prideful, hurt, or hopeless when I’m around certain people?
How can I grow positive influencers in my life and minimize the negative influencers?
Summary
David Bednar said, “You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act.” It’s as simple as that. Let go of believing you can control anyone but yourself. Embrace your responsibility to be a positive influencer. Simple, maybe, but not easy. Future blogs will dig deeper into the how of letting go, focusing on what you control, and becoming an effective influencer.
Be share to sure your comments about this important topic. I love hearing from you.