Are You a Control Freak?
I’m always curious when I hear someone say they are a control freak. Does this mean their desks are never messy or their clothes are arranged by color? Do they get upset when their plans get disrupted? Or does it mean they always have to be right in an argument and they become frustrated or aggressive when others don’t do what they want them to do?
There’s quite a bit of misunderstanding when it comes to this word CONTROL. The most common mistake is confusing what we control versus what we influence. Let’s sort it out by making crystal clear what it’s in our circle of control. The next blog post will cover the difference between control and influence.
What You Control
You are what you control. The You list includes:
your thoughts
your feelings
your responses your actions
your attitude and responses
your communications
your values, beliefs, dreams and goals this present moment
your knowledge and skills
Let’s explore this list a bit more.
Your thoughts. While it may seem that a monkey lives in your mind swinging from one thought to another, the truth is that you indeed have choice over what and how you think. Gaining more control over our thinking is the place to start when we want to make changes in our actions and our emotions.
Your feelings. Feelings are the weathervanes of our life. They give us a real time body-mind report on the state of our world. When we recognize them as valid and valuable, we can choose how to interpret and act on them.
Your responses. There is a space between stimulus (what happens outside of you) and response (your reaction to what happens to you). When we practice self-control, we use that space to choose how we will react to all of the things in life we don’t control, including the choice of changing our attitude.
Your actions. This category is everything you do including how you spend your time, your money, your energy and how you manage your health.
Your communications. What you say, verbal and non-verbal, how well you listen, and what you write is how you communicate with others.
Values, beliefs, goals, dreams. What matters most to you today and in the future is driven by your values, beliefs and goals.
The present moment. The past can be appreciated with lessons learned and the future is where we can dream and prepare, but NOW is the time we have.
Knowledge and skills. Practicing control over everything on this list comes with constant learning, the practice of new skills, and receiving help and support from others.
The Self-Mastery Journey
While we inherently are responsible for this list, we know that we don’t practice control in all of these areas. For example, I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and not enough time living in the present. It’s something I’m working on because it keeps interfering with my happiness. And you know that whole thing about eating 7-9 fruits and vegetables daily? That’s not going so well either. But there is no one to blame and I’m not giving up on my efforts to be more mindful and enjoy carrots and broccoli.
Self-mastery, then, is learning how to gain control, step-by-step, over all the areas of my life that I am accountable and responsible. And in reality, this will take a lifetime, maybe an eternity. But the biggest step in this journey is to know that this is the goal, not trying to control what you can’t.
Why Focus on Self-Mastery?
Here are the outcomes of gaining more self-control:
We can be our best selves when we take charge of our choices, our resources, our health, and happiness.
It’s energizing to focus on what’s in our control.
We can be a positive influence on those around us as we let go of trying to control them and focus on supporting them in their efforts to grow self-control.
We can respond with resilience to all those things in our life that are not in our control.
Be a Real Control Freak
So what is the definition of a real control freak? It’s a person who is working on getting more and more control of one’s self and takes full responsibility for themselves. It’s a person that uses the phrases, “I choose…” or “I chose…”a lot. It’s a person who may have a neat desk and a color-coded closet, but also feels peace and confident in their ability to handle whatever comes their way. And as we’ll learn in the next blog, it’s a person who understands clearly the difference between controlling other people and influencing them.