What to Give When Nothing Else Can Be Given

“What can I say or do to help my friend who is suffering?” 

This question is being asked more frequently given the abundant grief and loss we’re experiencing. We so want to help others, give comfort, or reduce pain, somehow, someway. And yet, the best answer is to not start by saying or doing anything. The best answer is to start by authentically listening.

Authentic listening is a mighty tool of caring and service. Undervalued, listening is the ultimate love language. It’s quiet, slow, modest, and requires our time and single-minded attention. Maybe that’s why it’s underused. Loud, showy, busyness is much more valued today with quick fixes and a plentitude of platitudes. 

Authentic listening is often the only thing needed to help someone. There are so many human conditions that cannot be fixed with cookies or condolences. But when someone leans into us and is willing to listen to our experience and our emotions in a safe space, we can begin to heal.

Authentic listening provides a safe space. The listener lends themselves to us for a while, giving us their full attention, without distraction. Their purpose is to validate, not judge; understand, not fix. Hesitating at first, we relax into speaking truth as the person “just” listens without interruptions, unnecessary questions, or commentary.

Authentic listening is a conscientious decision made in the moment. It doesn’t happen by accident because it requires us to deliberately turn down the noise of our thoughts, questions, and advice while turning up our sensitivity to what this person is saying and feeling. Distractions are turned off and quiet patience is turned on.

Authentic listening uses these phrases: 
“Tell me more…”
“This must be really hard…”
“I want to make sure I understand…”
“Is this what you’re saying…”
“What has this been like for you…”

Authentic listening avoids these phrases:
“I understand how you feel…”
“When that happened to me, I…”
“What you need to do is just…”
“Have you tried…”
“Just look on the bright side…”

Receiving authentic listening help us discover our own answers. Often saying our problems out loud illuminates the illusive solutions and because these solutions are custom-made, they are embraced more enthusiastically than advice offered by others.

Authentic listening is a magical experience. Consider the last time you experienced authentic listening, as the listener or the recipient. You’ll remember it because they are rare, special moments. There is a heart-to-heart connection that can be transformative for both people. Given how good it feels and how well it works, we have to wonder why we don’t make it happen more often.

Authentic listening is more influential than speaking. If you want a person to listen to you, start by listening to them. When a person knows you want to understand them, they are more likely to want to understand you.

Authentic listening can guide us to action. After truly listening, ideas for action may appear. Increased understanding results in customized service.

Authentic listening takes practice and it’s worth it. This type of listening doesn’t come easily and requires intentional practice. The result is having the most precious gift you can give to others when nothing else can be given.

Your Authentic Listening Challenge

Today, make a decision to authentically listen to one person close to you. Researchers find most of us listen for about 18 seconds before interrupting and taking over the conversation. Try to stretch that to 30 seconds or even a full minute. Observe what happens when you take your turn to truly listen before talking.