(This blog post is the first in a series on the topic of focusing on what you can control.)

In the course of my career as a therapist, many have asked how I carry the load of listening to so many tragic stories. It’s a good question because I have witnessed immeasurable grief and sorrow, injustice, and suffering. I have heard the details of heart-breaking experiences and seen the consequences of people’s choices, good, bad, and ugly.

Fortunately for me, the answer to this question has never been complicated or hard to describe. I’ve known it intuitively since I was a child and it has brought me tremendous peace while helping others. The answer is this: 

I don’t take responsibility for another person’s choices or the consequences of their choices. 

I take full responsibility for what is in my control and the consequences of my choices. 

My intention is to act in a way that will influence others for good. 

As a counselor, I do my very best in each session. I give the person my full attention filled with love and respect. I bring my years of education, expertise, and experience on the topic to the counseling experience. But when the person walks out the door, I always ask myself, “I wonder what they will do with our discussion? What will they choose to think, feel, and do?” I hope the best for them and then I honor this truth: They are responsible to choose what happens next.

When I discovered the graphic below in Stephen Covey’s book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, it was the perfect illustration of my beliefs. Let me explain what the circles represent.

What Each Circle Means

Circle of Concern: This outer circle contains all the worries and concerns you may have about topics that you have no control over. It includes the weather, aging, the stock market, taxes, traffic, and who wins in political elections. This circle also includes the past, the future and the passing of time. The biggest area, however, in the circle of concern is ALL other people. We don’t control what others think, feel, do, or believe. Regrettably, consensus is that we spend about 80% of our time and energy trying to control all of these other people and our efforts are rewarded with the only possible outcome – feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Circle of Control: The inner circle contains all of the topics you have control over and for which you are responsible. It is YOU. You control and are responsible for what you think, feel, do, believe, your skills, and knowledge. This includes your attitude, judgements, and perceptions.

Circle of Influence: The middle circle of influence helps us distinguish situations where we may have influence, for good or bad, but we don’t have control. We may influence others through our communication, service, teaching and example. Rewards and punishments are another way we may influence, but ultimately the other person chooses what they will say, do, feel, and believes.

Try This Exercise

I challenge you to dig into your circle of control by taking a piece of paper and writing down everything that you’re worried or concerned about right now. Just dump all of those worries out of your head and onto the paper. Maybe you’ll write BIG WORRIES with big letters and the smaller ones, with a smaller print. Do whatever works for you to see your list of everything that is weighing on your mind or keeping you up at night.

When you’re done with your list of concerns, circle everything that is in your control. I predict that as you consider each item, there will be few circles on your paper. Are you surprised? Have you been trying to control people and feel frustrated because they’re not doing what you want them to do? Are you trying to convince yourself you have control over situations when you don’t? Most concerns in our lives are outside of our circle of control. 

“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can't control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible.”  Epictetus

This exercise helps you discern what you control and what you don’t. In upcoming blogs, we’ll learn what we can do with those items on the list that are out of your control and the power of influence. (Hint: Epictetus has more helpful advice!)