It’s embarrassing to reflect on how I joined the ranks of people making quick, unkind judgments about my neighbors as they posted political signs on their lawns. How could I possibly know what a person was thinking or what they believe on specific topics based on a black and white sign? And yet, when I saw the sign, I put them in a mental box, assuming I knew everything about them, when I didn’t even know their name. 

Robert Brooks in a recent talk at BYU titled, The Road to Character, said:

“Somehow we have entered an age of bad generalizations. We don’t see each other well…All groups, all stereotypes, all bad generalizations–we do not see the heart and soul of each person, only a bunch of bad labels. To me, this is the core problem that our democratic character is faced with. Many of our society’s great problems flow from people not feeling seen and known…”

When you think about it, there is one skill at the center of any healthy family, company, classroom, community, university, or nation: the ability to see someone else deeply, to know another person profoundly, and to make them feel heard and understood. 

When I consider the times I haven’t been seen, I can heartily agree with his statement that this is a great problem in our society. It’s confusing and painful to have people see past you or talk over you or simply ignore you. Anger, depression, self-doubt, and questions of self-worth are all-natural consequences of these experiences and we’re seeing evidence of them all around.

I attended an Arbinger Institute training many years ago and was prompted to pull out my notes as I wrote this article. The training presented the truth that we too often see others as objects rather than as persons. Viewing them as objects emerges from our belief (conscious or unconscious) that they are less than ourselves–less relevant, less important, less real. 

When we see people as objects, we view them:

…as a vehicle. This person is the means by which I will get something I want. Consider the servers at a restaurant, the baggers at your grocery store, bank tellers, or your spouse as they prepare dinner.

…as a barrier or obstacle. This person is standing in the way of getting something I want. Think of slow drivers, people who voted differently than you, or a family member who disagrees with you.

…as irrelevant or unimportant. This is the person you don’t notice at all. They are invisible and not worth your attention. It could be your neighbors, co-workers, or your six-year-old trying to tell you what he learned at school today while you’re checking Facebook.

How to See Others as Persons

Here are some of the actions I’ve been trying to focus on to see others as persons, not objects.

1. Check your beliefs about others. Do you believe we’re all equal? Do you believe we’re all doing our best? Do you believe that the most important things in life are not things? I suspect your answer is “yes” to these statements or you would not have even bothered to read this blog post.

2. Remember what it’s like to be a person. All of us have concerns, hopes, needs, and fears. Marjorie Pay Hinckley reminds us, “Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

3. Be a no-label person. Start to eliminate generalized labels that put others in any type of box, negative or positive. The obvious labels are racist or stereotypical but consider others like “pretty” or “smart.” Compliments don’t need to be labels that later become burdensome. Instead be personal, specific, and present-oriented when giving feedback. 

4. Use their names. Start simple by saying the name of the person with whom you’re interacting. Use the name of people with nametags as you wish them a good day. Greet your child with their name as you return from work or they wake from naps. When saying “thank you,” attach their name. 

Michelle D. Craig shared her story of “seeing” an elderly gentleman in line at the grocery store. Instead of checking her phone, she noticed him and his cart with a few cans of cat food. “I can see you have a cat,” she said to him. “He said that a storm was coming, and he did not want to be caught without cat food. We visited briefly, and then he turned to me and said, ‘You know, I haven’t told anyone this, but today is my birthday.’” When we see others, we see their hearts, and these are moments of sacred connections between souls.

All of these thoughts are summarized in a familiar scripture written by Paul in the New Testament, “Charity never faileth.” This charity, this type of love, surely must be grounded in seeing each other deeply as fellow citizens on earth, as brothers and sisters. It won’t fail us unless we fail to use it. 

As you practice your holiday traditions or consider goals for the New Year, consider increasing moments of seeing others deeply, decreasing the use of labels, and stop seeing others as objects. This is the way we will find peace on earth and good will to all men.